Insurrection
by halfmyheart
Summary: Sabotage is the name of the game. Sam is chosen to escort and introduce and alien ally to earth culture, but Jack and Daniel have other ideas. Things can't go too wrong, or can they?


Still not mine...

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"It _is_ a date," said the Colonel with a faint growl.

"No sir it's not," repeated Samantha Carter for what seemed like the hundredth time that day. "I am only introducing him to earth culture."

"Yeah, on a date." Sam sighed and gave up arguing with her CO. He had his mind set and there was no changing it. She thought that she heard a bit of jealously creeping into his voice as they exited the elevator on the top floor of the base. She quickly shook it off when she spotted General Hammond standing by her car with her "date". Sam couldn't help but notice that their outfits matched perfectly. She'd have to thank Janet for that later, seeing as how she picked out Sam's dress. Her "date" Martouf was wearing a suit that looked like it had come straight from Daniel's closet. Black pants, soft blue shirt, and a black jacket.

"Major, are you ready" asked General Hamond.

"Yes sir."

"Good, here are your keys and the reservation information. I'm sure that you won't have any problems."

"Thank you, sir. Ready Martouf?" Martouf smiled and nodded. Sam quickly got in the car and they were off.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Jack watched them go, Martouf in a suit and Sam in a beautiful slim sapphire dress that he had never seen her wear before. He thought about Hammond's words, "You won't have any problems," and almost laughed out loud. Turning, he caught sight of Daniel and went to talk with his old friend.

"Oh Daniel."

"Yeah Jack."

"I need your help with something important. _Very_ important."

Daniel looked slightly confused and apprehensive. "What?"

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

The chandelier above the guests' heads sparkled like a thousand tiny diamonds, and a live band played on a small stage in the corner. Sam had asked that this part of the evening take place in more relaxed setting, but the powers that be had deemed this the only appropriate way to entertain such an honored guest and ally. So Sam was stuck in a gorgeous gown, in a roomful of strangers, eating dinner with a man from another planet. It all seemed to be going well. Martouf seemed to enjoy the food, apart from the calamari. He drank very little wine; apparently Lantesh frowned upon the consumption of alcohol. After their meal they went downtown to go dancing.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

"Jack where did you get that thing!" Daniel moved away, nervous of the small black and white creature.

"Don't worry about it! We have to out it in their car. Here help me. You hold it and I'll open the door." He tried to shove the skunk into Daniel's arms.

"I'm not touching that thing. I'll open the door."

Jack shoved the skunk at him again, "no I'll do it."

Daniel shoved it back. "No, stop it. You're making it agitated. It's gonna…" Daniel never finished his sentence because the next thing he knew he got a face full of the skunks spray.

"AGH!" Daniel wiped his face with his shirt sleeve and glared at Jack. He was very satisfied to see that Jack was also covered in the foul substance.

"Daniel! Don't! Let's go. It's time for plan B."

"You…Plan B…I need a bath!"

"Don't bother, soap and water is not going to take that smell away. "

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Sam drug Martouf out onto the dance floor as soon as they arrived and was surprised to learn that he was a very talented dancer. He never once stepped on her foot, which was more than she could say about some of the men she had danced with in the past. She was so involved in the dance that she failed to notice Jack and Daniel lurking where she had left their jackets.

"Man, it's hot in here" said Jack removing his own jacket and placing it a safe distance from his victims.

"Jack this is a really bad idea. There are too many people here."

"Just shut up and give me the bag. I do covert you know." Jack picked up Martouf jacket and left in the direction of the men's room, leaving Daniel praying that he wouldn't make a huge mistake with that stuff. It was poisonous after all. Jack returned to find Daniel engaged in conversation with Sam and Martouf. Daniel was trying to act cool and casual. They looked as if they wanted to be anywhere but near him.

"I didn't know you guys would be here. Oh, I…I come here all the time."

Fortunately, Sam seemed more interested in dancing than talking to Daniel at the moment. She grabbed Martouf's hand and started back to the dance floor.

"What was that," asked Jack throwing down the jacket.

"Nothing, lets get out of here." Daniel started towards the door. Jack picked up his coat and followed. The crowd parted like the red sea giving them a clear path to the door. What's with these people, thought Jack. Then he remembered that he was giving off the pleasant aroma of skunk.

Outside in the cool night air Jack put on his jacket.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

"I told you it wouldn't work," said Daniel driving towards the local pharmacist.

"It only took you about fifteen seconds to realize what you had done. It was the best fifteen seconds of my life!" Daniel was unable to contain his laughter any longer.

"If you don't stop laughing and drive faster I am going to smother you in his jacket! Then we'll see who's laughing. "

"You could, but amazingly, poison ivy is one of the only things that I am not allergic too!"

Jack growled and scratched mercilessly at his arms and neck.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Sam and Martouf drove down to the local ice cream shop for some "normal desserts" after dancing. Sam's chocolate swirl was no match for Martouf triple fudge Sunday.

"I'll have to remember to thank Dad for introducing you to chocolate for me. I never thought he might be smuggling Hershey's bars through the stargate!"

Martouf smiled, "yes, Jacob says that he could not possible live without his chocolate bars. Selmac does not approve, but Jacob says that he already gave up coffee for her, he does not plan to give up everything good."

"That sounds just like dad."

"mmm…"

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

"Jack, Aren't you ready to give up yet?

"No Daniel I am not."

"This is an even worse idea than the skunk and poison ivy. I think you are leaning towards desperation now."

Jack glared at him, "Money, now!"

"Ok, but I don't think…"

"Daniel!"

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Sam's attention was drawn away from Martouf when she noticed the huge motorcycle gang that had entered the shop. They seemed really out of place in the small room. The bikers looked around and saw her. They started in her direction with a big grin on their faces. When they reached her table however, they seemed more interested in her date.

"You!" Said the first one, obviously the leader of this ragtag group. "JD has a message for you."

"I don't know a JD, but…" This biker punched Martouf hard in the face. He flew out of the chair and landed on the floor.

"He said you'd say that. He also said that you should stay away from his girl."

Martouf got to his feet. Standing he was as tall as the biker though not nearly as broad. A crowd had gathered around the two men and Samantha was trying to make herself heard over the noisy people but Martouf didn't hear her. The next thing she knew Martouf had hit the biker and knocked him to the floor. Then the fight was over, just as suddenly as it had begun. The biker decided that it wasn't worth it and high tailed it out of there. He did pay a visit to the man that had hired though, gave him a piece of his mind, well fist anyway.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Jack crawled into work the next morning looking like a broken war hero from the losing side. He ignored the stares and cries of "what happened to you sir?" He made his way to the locker room and sunk onto one of the benches.

"Daniel, get a shove and bury my right here."

"Sorry Jack, but we have a briefing."

"When?"

"Now."

"Perfect."

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Colonel Jack O'Neill sat at the end of the briefing table with as much dignity as he could. He had a nasty red rash covering his face, neck, and arms. He was covered in calamine lotion, smelled pleasantly of skunk, and had a marvelous black eye. He felt horrible, but his mood improved drastically when the others sent Daniel to sit with him when they could stand his stench no longer. Looking up the table Jack saw with pleasure that Martouf was also sporting a black eye. The fact that it was slowly fading away because of Lantesh did not put a damper on Jack's victory.

Finally, the briefing was over and Carter approached, as near as she dared

"Sir, I suggest using some baking soda and hydrogen peroxide with a little detergent to get rid of the umm…smell." She smiled and walked away.

"But, I took a bath in tomato juice!"


End file.
